food is not a reward
plus how to cope when the rules and noise feel louder than your body
There are days when eating feels like an uphill climb.
And this isn’t just when hunger cues feel far away, or when food isn’t available. It may be due to illness, pain, or exhaustion. It could be a result of grief, anxiety, or depression. Sometimes it’s because of a heat wave. Perhaps it’s ADHD, decision fatigue, or sensory differences.
Yet, often, it’s because of internal noise. The mental chatter of rules, shame, comparison, and confusion. The voice that tells you you didn’t “earn” your food today, or that your hunger can’t be trusted, or that you should wait until someone else eats first.
That voice can be so loud, even when you know—on some level—that it’s wrong.
And often, it’s not just one voice—it’s a thousand little whispers we’ve picked up over time. The idea that food is a “reward” for productivity. That rest must be counterbalanced by exertion. That pleasure is something you can enjoy after the workout, after the salad, after you’ve checked every box.
We’re taught, in ways loud and quiet, that food must be earned: by shrinking, by waiting, by working, by being “good.” That hunger is suspect unless it’s timed, tidy, and convenient. That a snack is okay only if you’ve moved your body first, or only if you promise not to need seconds, or only if you didn’t eat “too much” yesterday.
It’s no wonder that eating—something so foundational—can feel so fraught.
If you’re navigating one of those days, where the rules feel louder than your body, here are a few reminders that (I hope) might help soften the edges.
Your body still needs nourishment—even (and especially) on the days you don’t move much. We’ve been sold this idea that food is something to be earned through physical activity, but that’s not how human bodies work. Your body needs consistent fuel to think, heal, feel, and simply be, no matter how many steps you took. A more restful day is not a “low-calorie day”. It’s a day like any other where your body needs care.
Some days, you might find you’re hungrier than usual. That’s not a mistake—it’s just biology. Bodies aren’t machines, and appetite is not a glitch. It naturally ebbs and flows based on a dozen different factors: stress, sleep, hormones, weather, emotions, healing. You don’t have to explain or justify your hunger for it to be valid. Some days your body needs more. Maybe it’s repair. Maybe it’s emotions. Maybe it’s just...life.
You deserve to eat, even when no one around you is eating. This one can be sneaky because of social comparison or simply just not wanting to be different. So maybe you start to question whether you should eat. Maybe you feel like you’re the only one who needs a snack, or that eating alone somehow signals a lack of discipline. But you’re allowed to honor your body even if other people aren’t eating. Your needs are your own. You’re not “doing it wrong” by listening to your body’s signals.
Your hunger is always valid—your body is not trying to trick you. Diet culture trained us to second-guess hunger. To believe we should suppress it, distract it, negotiate with it. But hunger is not betrayal, it is a signal of life. It’s your body saying, “Please care for me.” Rather than trying to outsmart it, what if you trusted it? You have nothing to lose by offering yourself nourishment.
Food is not a paycheck for productivity. We live in a culture that constantly links worth to what we do—how much we get done, how “productive” we are. And somewhere in there, the message sneaks in that food is something you earn by working hard or ticking off your to-do list. Gently notice if your beliefs about food are tied to output. “I didn’t get enough done today, so I don’t deserve takeout.” Your body’s needs don’t wait for approval or achievement. Often, the kindest, most “productive” thing you can do is simply feed yourself.
What someone else eats (or doesn’t eat) truly has nothing to do with what you should eat. This one’s hard, I know. But food isn’t a performance or a competition. Another person’s portion isn’t a guideline—it’s just their portion. Another person’s menu choice isn’t a mandate—it’s just their choice. Another person’s relationship with food is not reason to restrict—it’s just their experience. Our appetites are informed by our own histories, rhythms, medical conditions, mental health, preferences, and healing. It’s okay—necessary, even—to do what works for you. Reclaiming your autonomy means tuning in, not out.
It’s the culture, it’s not you. Remember, the struggles that any of us have experienced with food aren’t about “willpower”—they come from a culture that profits from us distrusting our bodies. What feels like an internal battle is often a reflection of external noise. So the next time you notice shame or guilt, and feel as if you’re the problem, take a moment to locate the problem outside of yourself.
Your body always deserves energy. And no, there are no exceptions to this. Because food isn’t a transaction or a prize, it’s your right. Your birthright, in fact. Eating is an act of kindness and respect that you get to give yourself—again and again.
If today is one of those hard-to-eat days, I hope something here helps you exhale.
You don’t have to do it perfectly (there is no such thing). You just have to keep showing up. Eating anyway. Offering yourself something steady and kind. Because food is not a test you have to pass — it’s a way to care for yourself, even when everything feels wobbly.
this is an excellent list of reminders!
For me, it's not so much that I avoid eating in these scenarios, but that I do so with guilt, during and afterwards. If I had to choose one, I'd say #6 is the biggest culprit. I don't want to care or even take notice of what people around me are eating or not eating, but alas....