Its taken the birth of my granddaughter to cement in all the unlearning and "refusing to be good". I want her to have a roll model that bucks the norms with a small on her face and a middle finger raised. Shes a tough, wild, feral child with a ready laugh and a mischievous glint in her eye. I want her to see that she doesn't have to EVER change for anybody, that she is enough just as she is❤️
I love the word “feral” here. And that’s exactly what I want for my kiddo. For her to experience her life unmodified by the expectation to be “good” as our culture defines it!
Two things happened to me in my 30s which have shaped my life in the most wonderful way. At 30, I married a man whom I thought my parents would like. Me, I was not so sure. It takes a long time to become yourself. The husband turned out to be completely terrible but he was full of prestige, so I kept him around for a few years. Meanwhile, I was carrying on with someone else, and eventually got pregnant. Parenthood and pregnancy are not for everyone. I knew this immediately. Pregnancy felt to me as if an alien had taken over my body. The seven weeks I had to wait to get rid of this thing were endless. The minute the abortion was over I felt 1000% all better.
Living a life unencumbered by the incredibly tiresome nonsense other women discuss 24/7 has been an immeasurable gift. Society just wants us to breed. Most everyone will tell you parenting is impossibly difficult--let alone, not so effective.
When I was ready, I evicted the terrible husband. I frequently realize that it was almost worth being married to him for the boundless joy of being away from him.
Hey, thanks for asking this question! You don’t have to get a degree in women’s studies apparently to be a feminist 😎
Thanks everyone. It was very early when I wrote this comment and there was some cold medicine involved 😎 I apologize to all you moms that i was a little harsh, you are all doing important work. (As are all you non-moms!❤️)
dang this is cool. I feel so lucky to be a woman in 2026 & hearing this kind of rhetoric around what life can & should be. Taking up unapologetic space… the space our grandmothers never had. It’s such a freaking cool time to be a woman.
This episode... just wow. It spoke to my soul and unlocked many, many a thing that I did not realise was locked away. I'm only in my early 20's and had not ever stopped to consider that even then, my whole life has been about "goodness". How lucky am I to have the seeds sown now, to consider that I can refuse this, to start exploring the wilderness of what the rest of my life could be, creating my own messy, hand-written map? Savala, you're doing it. One woman, one generation, one year, one minute sooner.
Why do I feel so defensive, so morally offended at the idea of not being good?
Why would I want to be readable to a world that insists on reading a different book? When in turn, I can no longer read myself?
Do I want to spend the rest of my life renovating? Haven't I done that enough, in search of an enoughness that will never come from outside.
Perhaps, right now, in what I feel is my own quiet moment of reckoning, I refuse to be "good" as I decide that this is my life. That it can, and may well look like something I've never seen before. That I don't need to know what that looks like yet, but spending even more time shrinking, conforming, hiding – that can't get me closer to what I want. No, what I deserve. (That last bit still whispered and not believed. Yet.) That what scares me so much about recovery, and life itself, is this unknown. But that I know deep in my soul, this is where the beauty and *true* goodness lies.
I cannot wait to read this. And perhaps go listen to this whole episode again. Now.
Prof Nolan's home repair/renovation analogy really resonated with me, and I know it will help so many other people (especially parents who want to break these cycles).
There's still much unlearning to be done, but the biggest ways I am refusing to be "good" is by not trying to control my body through restriction or movement, not having children to be the "good" daughter-in-law for my partner's parents who desperately wanted to be grandparents, and allowing myself to age, without trying to hide it or cover it up.
I haven't listened to this episode yet, because I am waiting for a chance to listen to the whole thing, by myself, so I can really savor it. The first Full Plate with Savala is still the only podcast episode I've ever listened to more than once (I think 4 times now) because the idea of shrinking our bodies as a form of obedience has truly been so helpful any time I get tempted to try restriction again. That might be the thing that has really helped me stop trying to be "good" through attempting to control my body. I can't wait for this conversation and the book ❤️
I refuse to worry about tempering everything I say to sound “nice.” I am an often quickly, bluntly, honest person. Sometimes I wish I had taken a beat first, usually people are just shocked. I work to take a breath first, but I will not apologize that my honesty makes you uncomfortable.
Also, I’ll never apologize for ordering table fries. Not ever. 🍟
I can't wait to read this book especially after hearing you both speak about it. I felt so seen when you described how your realization of wanting to take a different path and be bad came alongside your divorce. I deeply connect to this (and the statistic you shared about women predominantly initiating the divorce after thinking about it for 5-6 years). My soul did a lot of shifting at that point in my life and the acknowledgement especially about my relationship with my body and food at the time that I was starting to transition out of my marriage were so intertwined. Anyway, cannot wait to read it.
Thank you for this note! There are so many woman who are traveling this road. Glad to meet a another one! And let me know how the book lands for you when you have a chance to dig in. xo!
Wow listening to the part where she describes being a hieroglyph is so profound and hits the nail on the head for that experience, which I have experienced as well! “They don’t know how to read me.” Thank you for this!!!
Lately me refusing to be “good” is embracing that I am still worthy as a woman and can take up space even though I wear my hair naturally, don’t wear makeup, or use acne or other beauty products, etc.
Isn't the way Savala uses the word "legible" so profoundly *right* in all of this? I don't want to be able to be read, to be scripted, to be easy to predict or control or manage or silence. And Syd, I'm with you on all the hair / makeup / skin stuff...that's been a big thing for me too, to figure out what I actually want and what I truly don't. Yes to you taking up space and being worthy of it! So glad you shared all of this and honored to have you here.
Its taken the birth of my granddaughter to cement in all the unlearning and "refusing to be good". I want her to have a roll model that bucks the norms with a small on her face and a middle finger raised. Shes a tough, wild, feral child with a ready laugh and a mischievous glint in her eye. I want her to see that she doesn't have to EVER change for anybody, that she is enough just as she is❤️
I love the word “feral” here. And that’s exactly what I want for my kiddo. For her to experience her life unmodified by the expectation to be “good” as our culture defines it!
Wicked and all!
I love this!!!!!!!
This is everything! Thank you so much for sharing it with us, Samantha. FERAL!
Two things happened to me in my 30s which have shaped my life in the most wonderful way. At 30, I married a man whom I thought my parents would like. Me, I was not so sure. It takes a long time to become yourself. The husband turned out to be completely terrible but he was full of prestige, so I kept him around for a few years. Meanwhile, I was carrying on with someone else, and eventually got pregnant. Parenthood and pregnancy are not for everyone. I knew this immediately. Pregnancy felt to me as if an alien had taken over my body. The seven weeks I had to wait to get rid of this thing were endless. The minute the abortion was over I felt 1000% all better.
Living a life unencumbered by the incredibly tiresome nonsense other women discuss 24/7 has been an immeasurable gift. Society just wants us to breed. Most everyone will tell you parenting is impossibly difficult--let alone, not so effective.
When I was ready, I evicted the terrible husband. I frequently realize that it was almost worth being married to him for the boundless joy of being away from him.
Hey, thanks for asking this question! You don’t have to get a degree in women’s studies apparently to be a feminist 😎
This story feels so familiar to me even though I haven’t lived it — thank you for sharing Louise!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Louise. Truly. We need more stories of what an authentic life looks and feels like, person to person.
Thanks everyone. It was very early when I wrote this comment and there was some cold medicine involved 😎 I apologize to all you moms that i was a little harsh, you are all doing important work. (As are all you non-moms!❤️)
I am so joyful for YOU finding the right path in life for you. And boldly living that way! And sharing all of this. I see you! 💗
Than you, Gretchen!
dang this is cool. I feel so lucky to be a woman in 2026 & hearing this kind of rhetoric around what life can & should be. Taking up unapologetic space… the space our grandmothers never had. It’s such a freaking cool time to be a woman.
It's such a beautiful thing to be a witness and a part of conversations like this. I couldn't agree more. We need more of it, all day, every day!
This episode... just wow. It spoke to my soul and unlocked many, many a thing that I did not realise was locked away. I'm only in my early 20's and had not ever stopped to consider that even then, my whole life has been about "goodness". How lucky am I to have the seeds sown now, to consider that I can refuse this, to start exploring the wilderness of what the rest of my life could be, creating my own messy, hand-written map? Savala, you're doing it. One woman, one generation, one year, one minute sooner.
Why do I feel so defensive, so morally offended at the idea of not being good?
Why would I want to be readable to a world that insists on reading a different book? When in turn, I can no longer read myself?
Do I want to spend the rest of my life renovating? Haven't I done that enough, in search of an enoughness that will never come from outside.
Perhaps, right now, in what I feel is my own quiet moment of reckoning, I refuse to be "good" as I decide that this is my life. That it can, and may well look like something I've never seen before. That I don't need to know what that looks like yet, but spending even more time shrinking, conforming, hiding – that can't get me closer to what I want. No, what I deserve. (That last bit still whispered and not believed. Yet.) That what scares me so much about recovery, and life itself, is this unknown. But that I know deep in my soul, this is where the beauty and *true* goodness lies.
I cannot wait to read this. And perhaps go listen to this whole episode again. Now.
This is such a powerful conversation.
Prof Nolan's home repair/renovation analogy really resonated with me, and I know it will help so many other people (especially parents who want to break these cycles).
Yessss!
There's still much unlearning to be done, but the biggest ways I am refusing to be "good" is by not trying to control my body through restriction or movement, not having children to be the "good" daughter-in-law for my partner's parents who desperately wanted to be grandparents, and allowing myself to age, without trying to hide it or cover it up.
I haven't listened to this episode yet, because I am waiting for a chance to listen to the whole thing, by myself, so I can really savor it. The first Full Plate with Savala is still the only podcast episode I've ever listened to more than once (I think 4 times now) because the idea of shrinking our bodies as a form of obedience has truly been so helpful any time I get tempted to try restriction again. That might be the thing that has really helped me stop trying to be "good" through attempting to control my body. I can't wait for this conversation and the book ❤️
I refuse to worry about tempering everything I say to sound “nice.” I am an often quickly, bluntly, honest person. Sometimes I wish I had taken a beat first, usually people are just shocked. I work to take a breath first, but I will not apologize that my honesty makes you uncomfortable.
Also, I’ll never apologize for ordering table fries. Not ever. 🍟
I love this. We are trained to apologize way to much. And yes to the fries!
I can't wait to read this book especially after hearing you both speak about it. I felt so seen when you described how your realization of wanting to take a different path and be bad came alongside your divorce. I deeply connect to this (and the statistic you shared about women predominantly initiating the divorce after thinking about it for 5-6 years). My soul did a lot of shifting at that point in my life and the acknowledgement especially about my relationship with my body and food at the time that I was starting to transition out of my marriage were so intertwined. Anyway, cannot wait to read it.
Thank you for this note! There are so many woman who are traveling this road. Glad to meet a another one! And let me know how the book lands for you when you have a chance to dig in. xo!
Wow listening to the part where she describes being a hieroglyph is so profound and hits the nail on the head for that experience, which I have experienced as well! “They don’t know how to read me.” Thank you for this!!!
Lately me refusing to be “good” is embracing that I am still worthy as a woman and can take up space even though I wear my hair naturally, don’t wear makeup, or use acne or other beauty products, etc.
Isn't the way Savala uses the word "legible" so profoundly *right* in all of this? I don't want to be able to be read, to be scripted, to be easy to predict or control or manage or silence. And Syd, I'm with you on all the hair / makeup / skin stuff...that's been a big thing for me too, to figure out what I actually want and what I truly don't. Yes to you taking up space and being worthy of it! So glad you shared all of this and honored to have you here.
no more renovation!
Exactlyyyy! We're done with that!