Oh, I have definitely reconsidered my definition of healthy as I've gained weight over the last five years. Granted, I still benefit from a huge amount of thin privilege as a size 12-ish, but my mother has gotten on my case several times about my "health," and I've had to tell her, listen, I'm actually exercising MORE now than I was when I was thin (but nobody asked me about it when I was a size 6 because...I was a size 6), I'm eating ENOUGH and also not stressing about food the way I did before. I remember in grad school at my absolute thinnest having a little panic attack when a boyfriend suggested grabbing pizza because I hadn't planned my day around having pizza for dinner. When my mom asked me what was up with my weight--she is very big on the "what are you hungry for" therapy speak, where like, you wouldn't be heavier/eating a lot if you weren't in some kind of emotional turmoil that you weren't dealing with--I was surprised because I had honestly stopped thinking about it, and I was not doing much if any emotional eating, just kind of going with the flow. I'm not counting macros or anything but I do try to balance my meals for what I need to do; my work requires a lot of brain energy and focus from me and I can feel it by 3 PM when I haven't eaten enough carbs in a day and still need to be good at my job!
Sometimes I see posts from my Facebook memories about dieting and being thin, or about celebrities' bodies, and I feel sad that it took me this long to get here. Apart from dieting for so long probably raising my set point, if I look back at pictures of me as a kid, what I look like now is what I've always looked like--except for the few years in my late 20s when I was WAY too thin, in retrospect. I have promised myself never to restrict again, but even if my weight did fluctuate, I don't think I'm built to be smaller than a size 10. I've really resonated with the idea that if you have be constantly on your guard about food and vigilant about exercise to maintain your body size, then it's probably not the healthiest body size for you. I've maintained my current weight for almost three years without trying too hard, which suggests to me that this is pretty much where I'm settling. And that has to be okay because otherwise I sacrifice peace of mind.
Anne, oh my goodness, thank you for sharing this. What you wrote captures so much of what true health looks like—ease around food, eating enough, moving your body more (without obsessing), and actually having the energy to live your life. (And trusting your body knows the place it feels safe)
It’s also such a clear example of how diet culture only starts “worrying” once a body changes, even when that body is doing so much better. And yes—the wisdom in what you said about not wanting to live in a body size that requires constant vigilance…chills. That’s it. That’s the truth.
Thank you, Abbie! Honestly, I’ve learned so much of it from reading/listening to people like you, Virginia Sole-Smith, the Body Trust podcast, Christy Harrison, etc.
A few months ago I was at my grandfather’s 92nd birthday dinner and my 90-year-old grandmother said something about having eaten so much that she wouldn’t be getting on a scale any time soon. And I thought, wow, I do not want to be 90 and still thinking this way.
I am just coming out of a spiral where my eating disorder reared its ugly head and was shouting at me again… “don’t eat, don’t eat that food, go exercise until you drop.” And it was in response to going to the doctor. Going to the doctor used to mean a lecture about my body size even with normal blood work. Even with an eating disorder that was starving me. Once I got acknowledgment and treatment, I still held onto the crutch of “I can do this as long as my ‘health’ holds….” And the end of that sentence was my eating disorder waiting in the wings… “…then we will go back.”
Even with the spiral. Even with the internet searches all saying “lose weight to address the bloodwork issue”, I finally had two providers (PCP and therapist) who were in my corner and not my eating disorders corner. I panicked and brought up GLP1 as a way to shrink. They both said that’s not a good idea. I told them I was afraid I would get sicker and sicker. They both reminded me I had been sicker when I was going 20 hours without food just to binge again when I could no longer starve. That I was not healthy exercising 6 hours a day. And I was able to feel supported and connected. And seen.
I don’t think anyone can tick all the boxes of health. Just like no one can be perfect in any other way… being human is being messy and not the average or the “most normal”. It’s about being you, with support and community and joy and sadness and hard moments and trying again. It’s messy and that’s fine.
Oh friend—thank you for saying this out loud. That spiral sounds brutal, and I’m so glad you had two providers who actually saw you instead of your eating disorder. That support—being reminded you were sicker when you were starving, that six-hour workouts weren’t care—that can change the whole script.
You’re right: nobody ticks every “health” box, and treating health like a checklist just hands the mic back to diet culture. Being human is messy, full of joy and hard bits, and it’s okay that your path includes slips — and then trying again. Healing is ultimately that, right there. It reminds me of that saying… “a stumble may prevent a fall.” You’re doing the real brave beautiful self-compassionate work: showing up, asking for help, and choosing connection over punishment. Big love to you. ❤️
This was one of my favorite newsletters because of how it checked all the boxes of how brutally difficult it is right here, right now to be in a body. Let alone be in a body that deals with ANY form of physical, mental or chronic health issues on the daily. And in a body that must literally decide not "what" you buy for food but "if" you can afford to buy food in general. Sometimes you can't be picky! You gotta get creative! 😉 Then add in lack of access to adequate health care, disability, ableism ... deeeeep breath!
I am a 58 yo with multiple chronic/mental health issues and I am physically disabled. I have struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade and had very disordered eating all my life prior to the dx. I have just had my first experience with food insecurity. Grateful because I know there are so many who have it worse than I do. It truly makes you look at ED recovery and "health" with a different lens. I guess right now my focus is on nourishment and self-care more than ever. Nourishment might just look a tiny bit different than I thought, but then I didn't think it would be like this either. Just grateful for all the little glimmers. ✨️🩷
Oh my goodness, thank you for sharing so honestly here. Everything you named—the impossible pressures of being in a body, the realities of food insecurity, the weight of ableism and lack of access to care—it’s a lot. And you’re right, it changes how recovery looks, how “health” looks, and even how we understand what nourishment can be.
I love how you framed it: nourishment and self-care might look different right now, but that doesn’t make it any less valid. Continue to remember: Eating is innocent. Creativity, flexibility, and those small glimmers you mentioned—those are radical acts of care in the face of systems that make it so hard.
I’m holding so much respect for your resilience and also so much gentleness for how exhausting it is to navigate all of this. Sending you love (and from the fur bebes too 🐾!!)
This is so so good! I struggle with this allll the time. In my own head, with clients, in my writing and ideas I put into the world. Love this perspective.
Oh, I have definitely reconsidered my definition of healthy as I've gained weight over the last five years. Granted, I still benefit from a huge amount of thin privilege as a size 12-ish, but my mother has gotten on my case several times about my "health," and I've had to tell her, listen, I'm actually exercising MORE now than I was when I was thin (but nobody asked me about it when I was a size 6 because...I was a size 6), I'm eating ENOUGH and also not stressing about food the way I did before. I remember in grad school at my absolute thinnest having a little panic attack when a boyfriend suggested grabbing pizza because I hadn't planned my day around having pizza for dinner. When my mom asked me what was up with my weight--she is very big on the "what are you hungry for" therapy speak, where like, you wouldn't be heavier/eating a lot if you weren't in some kind of emotional turmoil that you weren't dealing with--I was surprised because I had honestly stopped thinking about it, and I was not doing much if any emotional eating, just kind of going with the flow. I'm not counting macros or anything but I do try to balance my meals for what I need to do; my work requires a lot of brain energy and focus from me and I can feel it by 3 PM when I haven't eaten enough carbs in a day and still need to be good at my job!
Sometimes I see posts from my Facebook memories about dieting and being thin, or about celebrities' bodies, and I feel sad that it took me this long to get here. Apart from dieting for so long probably raising my set point, if I look back at pictures of me as a kid, what I look like now is what I've always looked like--except for the few years in my late 20s when I was WAY too thin, in retrospect. I have promised myself never to restrict again, but even if my weight did fluctuate, I don't think I'm built to be smaller than a size 10. I've really resonated with the idea that if you have be constantly on your guard about food and vigilant about exercise to maintain your body size, then it's probably not the healthiest body size for you. I've maintained my current weight for almost three years without trying too hard, which suggests to me that this is pretty much where I'm settling. And that has to be okay because otherwise I sacrifice peace of mind.
Anne, oh my goodness, thank you for sharing this. What you wrote captures so much of what true health looks like—ease around food, eating enough, moving your body more (without obsessing), and actually having the energy to live your life. (And trusting your body knows the place it feels safe)
It’s also such a clear example of how diet culture only starts “worrying” once a body changes, even when that body is doing so much better. And yes—the wisdom in what you said about not wanting to live in a body size that requires constant vigilance…chills. That’s it. That’s the truth.
I’m really grateful you shared this here. ❤️
Thank you, Abbie! Honestly, I’ve learned so much of it from reading/listening to people like you, Virginia Sole-Smith, the Body Trust podcast, Christy Harrison, etc.
A few months ago I was at my grandfather’s 92nd birthday dinner and my 90-year-old grandmother said something about having eaten so much that she wouldn’t be getting on a scale any time soon. And I thought, wow, I do not want to be 90 and still thinking this way.
I am just coming out of a spiral where my eating disorder reared its ugly head and was shouting at me again… “don’t eat, don’t eat that food, go exercise until you drop.” And it was in response to going to the doctor. Going to the doctor used to mean a lecture about my body size even with normal blood work. Even with an eating disorder that was starving me. Once I got acknowledgment and treatment, I still held onto the crutch of “I can do this as long as my ‘health’ holds….” And the end of that sentence was my eating disorder waiting in the wings… “…then we will go back.”
Even with the spiral. Even with the internet searches all saying “lose weight to address the bloodwork issue”, I finally had two providers (PCP and therapist) who were in my corner and not my eating disorders corner. I panicked and brought up GLP1 as a way to shrink. They both said that’s not a good idea. I told them I was afraid I would get sicker and sicker. They both reminded me I had been sicker when I was going 20 hours without food just to binge again when I could no longer starve. That I was not healthy exercising 6 hours a day. And I was able to feel supported and connected. And seen.
I don’t think anyone can tick all the boxes of health. Just like no one can be perfect in any other way… being human is being messy and not the average or the “most normal”. It’s about being you, with support and community and joy and sadness and hard moments and trying again. It’s messy and that’s fine.
Oh friend—thank you for saying this out loud. That spiral sounds brutal, and I’m so glad you had two providers who actually saw you instead of your eating disorder. That support—being reminded you were sicker when you were starving, that six-hour workouts weren’t care—that can change the whole script.
You’re right: nobody ticks every “health” box, and treating health like a checklist just hands the mic back to diet culture. Being human is messy, full of joy and hard bits, and it’s okay that your path includes slips — and then trying again. Healing is ultimately that, right there. It reminds me of that saying… “a stumble may prevent a fall.” You’re doing the real brave beautiful self-compassionate work: showing up, asking for help, and choosing connection over punishment. Big love to you. ❤️
This was one of my favorite newsletters because of how it checked all the boxes of how brutally difficult it is right here, right now to be in a body. Let alone be in a body that deals with ANY form of physical, mental or chronic health issues on the daily. And in a body that must literally decide not "what" you buy for food but "if" you can afford to buy food in general. Sometimes you can't be picky! You gotta get creative! 😉 Then add in lack of access to adequate health care, disability, ableism ... deeeeep breath!
I am a 58 yo with multiple chronic/mental health issues and I am physically disabled. I have struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade and had very disordered eating all my life prior to the dx. I have just had my first experience with food insecurity. Grateful because I know there are so many who have it worse than I do. It truly makes you look at ED recovery and "health" with a different lens. I guess right now my focus is on nourishment and self-care more than ever. Nourishment might just look a tiny bit different than I thought, but then I didn't think it would be like this either. Just grateful for all the little glimmers. ✨️🩷
Thank you Abbie ... loves to the fur babes. 🐾🐾💙
Oh my goodness, thank you for sharing so honestly here. Everything you named—the impossible pressures of being in a body, the realities of food insecurity, the weight of ableism and lack of access to care—it’s a lot. And you’re right, it changes how recovery looks, how “health” looks, and even how we understand what nourishment can be.
I love how you framed it: nourishment and self-care might look different right now, but that doesn’t make it any less valid. Continue to remember: Eating is innocent. Creativity, flexibility, and those small glimmers you mentioned—those are radical acts of care in the face of systems that make it so hard.
I’m holding so much respect for your resilience and also so much gentleness for how exhausting it is to navigate all of this. Sending you love (and from the fur bebes too 🐾!!)
This is so so good! I struggle with this allll the time. In my own head, with clients, in my writing and ideas I put into the world. Love this perspective.
Thank you so much for being here, Lauren!
Love this! A lot to think about....
Appreciate you, Mara!!