I’ve been struggling a ton lately with feeling deregulated and having low energy as a result. This is so tough for me because I’m usually extremely energetic and have trouble sitting still. I’m judging myself for not having motivation or desire to do anything productive. I’m also feeling very lonely because I don’t have any friends to rely on and the constant news cycle and RFK BS is making it hard to feel safe.
I am struggling with my ED and wanting to shrink myself as a result of this too. Some days I just want to disappear and with the war on UPFs, sugar, food additives, etc., foods I’ve relied on for years no longer even feel safe. It’s hard to feel like I matter in a country that is falling apart and dystopian.
I also feel so guilty for struggling or getting wrapped up in these things because I have a job, a dog I love, a safe place to live, a good salary, enough food in my pantry/fridge, etc.
I have days where I’m okay and can use my logical voice, but with having OCD and anxiety, it’s so easy for the fears and rumination to come back at any moment.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way — it makes complete sense. You're moving through a lot: overwhelm, loneliness, fear, and the pressure to be "okay" just because your life looks stable on the outside. But your pain is valid. Having food, a job, or a roof doesn’t cancel out the weight of OCD, anxiety, disconnection, or the way diet culture is making even familiar foods feel unsafe.
It's not a flaw that you're tired, unmotivated, or coping through old ED patterns — it's your nervous system trying to survive in a world that feels chaotic. You don’t have to earn rest or shrink to be worthy. You matter now, as you are, even in the mess.
You’re not alone in this. I think the weight of the world is really taking a toll on our energy in so many ways. Our resistance (and the capacity for long-term change) is in rejecting the idea that we don't deserve care and nourishment. Eating is how you take your power back ❤️
Thanks Abbie! Part of my guilt/fear around having little energy is also how being sedentary is cast as a death wish right now. In addition to eating a certain way, diet culture is talking about how lazy Americans are and how bad lack of exercise is for your health.
I agree that our nervous systems weren’t meant to deal with this much chaos, news cycle, and stimulation/stress. It’s even harder when you’re neurodivergent and my brain never stops going in circles. I know you have chronic health issues that affect your energy levels, but have you felt lower energy lately too? It helps to know I’m not alone.
Also, side note: I know in your Patreon you had an open chat. Is it possible to create that in Substack? I follow some other Substacks that I think have a chat feature enabled. I think it would be helpful to have that safe space to chat or create threads around topics, if you’re open to that.
I feel all of this, Elizabeth! The news and global events make it all harder. Our work is in staying close to ourselves, staying in our bodies, connecting to those who are doing the same.
With respect to the chat, right now I have that in my group membership -- a space dedicated specifically to healing and a private community that has an ongoing group discussion / chat. We also meet twice each month (once for casual office hours, once for a specific topic that everyone votes on). I can email you the details if you'd like to learn more about it. Happy to have you join us!
What I'm noticing for myself is anxiety leading to a desire not to shrink as much as fade away. I definitely want to muffle the uncomfortable emotions with eating food, exercising, creating a plan for restriction as a way of procrastinating showing up for life. Taking the risk of being bad at the things I love. I'm definitely feeling the need to prove my worthiness, and that really sucks. I don't understand how I'm ever going to get over that.
Yes, Tracy, the fading away is exactly what I meant. So true, so real. This world will continue to tell us we have to prove our worth, but we were born worthy. All of us. Sometimes I think this work is about unlearning all the things we were told to be so that we can be who we were meant to be. It just takes time, shedding layers, finding new truths. If you ever feel stuck or overwhelmed, just think: What is the next kind thing I can do for myself? What would it mean to respect my body in this moment?
This article hits home bc I had a few really low days where I feel so much dread and fear. I want to curl up in a ball and hide away. I know restriction doesn’t work, but after my recent knee surgery, and gaining weight, it’s so tempting to want to restrict so I can fit into my clothes again. Seeing my reflection as I walk by a window or mirror can be very triggering but I know restricting doesn’t work long term! It feels like I’m stuck in this cycle and might not ever get out.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly — it absolutely makes sense that recovery would feel especially hard right now. The urge to restrict after surgery, weight changes, and hard body image days is strong, not because we're broken, but because the world has taught us that it's the answer. But the fact that you know restriction doesn’t work, and that you’re naming the cycle with such awareness, is powerful. I promise you, that’s evidence that you are not stuck — that’s the work of healing. Sending you so much compassion as you navigate this. You're not alone, and I'm so glad you're here. 💛
Yes all of this!!!! Mine isn’t the feeling of shrinking as much as self hate self talk lacking compassion for myself when those feelings come up. Like lacking forgiveness
I'm absolutely loving these comments (including yours) because the language we all use is different but the underlying feeling is so similar. Thank you so so much for sharing this, Ashley. Self-compassion, over and over and over again, is the way through. You are so worthy of kindness, care, comfort.
OMGosh!! Abbie!! We've been struggling with this exact thing lately.
Ours hasn't been due to "simply depression" or low days, but a trauma. We have been feeling this strong urge to go back to our ED. To have a singular goal to put all our focus into and numerous rules to follow, so that it would block out all of the other emotions and life stressors.
Also, we know that restricting/being malnourished *can* mute our emotions.
We desire that soooooo badly, but the thing is - we don't feel that strongly about changing our body weight, shape or size AND we're just too dang tired to go back to following all those strict rules. It's exhausting.
These urges haven't left us feeling like a failure at healing (we don't really feel like we've healed enough from anything to fail at it), but it has left us feeling incredibly stuck. If we can't "do" the eating disorder, how else do we cope with all of these emotions and stressors?
It's so hard to recognize that our old coping mechanism just doesn't work for us anymore, but to feel lost without one that does.
We love your insight/metaphor about making yourself smaller to make the noise and big emotions smaller. That rings so true for us, even without actually want to physically be smaller.
Thank you for this brilliant piece of writing and for sharing pieces of your story. We deeply appreciate you!
I am SO grateful for you! Thank you so much for sharing this — I feel the weight of what you’re carrying and I honor it. Wanting to go back to an ED for the structure, the numbness, the distraction — not because of body image, but just to cope — makes so much sense, especially in the aftermath of trauma.
And even when you know those rules won’t serve you, they can still call to you when everything feels too big. It’s not failure — it’s your brain reaching for what used to feel like safety. But it’s also a sign of healing to feel too tired to go back. That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom!
It's that in-between place where the old way doesn’t work, and the new one hasn’t fully formed yet — and it's such a hard place to be. Remember that inner conflict is transformation happening at the pace that makes sense for you and your lived experiences. I'm so glad the metaphor resonated and please know you’re not alone in this. Truly. I'm just so thankful to have you in this space ❤️
I’ve been struggling a ton lately with feeling deregulated and having low energy as a result. This is so tough for me because I’m usually extremely energetic and have trouble sitting still. I’m judging myself for not having motivation or desire to do anything productive. I’m also feeling very lonely because I don’t have any friends to rely on and the constant news cycle and RFK BS is making it hard to feel safe.
I am struggling with my ED and wanting to shrink myself as a result of this too. Some days I just want to disappear and with the war on UPFs, sugar, food additives, etc., foods I’ve relied on for years no longer even feel safe. It’s hard to feel like I matter in a country that is falling apart and dystopian.
I also feel so guilty for struggling or getting wrapped up in these things because I have a job, a dog I love, a safe place to live, a good salary, enough food in my pantry/fridge, etc.
I have days where I’m okay and can use my logical voice, but with having OCD and anxiety, it’s so easy for the fears and rumination to come back at any moment.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way — it makes complete sense. You're moving through a lot: overwhelm, loneliness, fear, and the pressure to be "okay" just because your life looks stable on the outside. But your pain is valid. Having food, a job, or a roof doesn’t cancel out the weight of OCD, anxiety, disconnection, or the way diet culture is making even familiar foods feel unsafe.
It's not a flaw that you're tired, unmotivated, or coping through old ED patterns — it's your nervous system trying to survive in a world that feels chaotic. You don’t have to earn rest or shrink to be worthy. You matter now, as you are, even in the mess.
You’re not alone in this. I think the weight of the world is really taking a toll on our energy in so many ways. Our resistance (and the capacity for long-term change) is in rejecting the idea that we don't deserve care and nourishment. Eating is how you take your power back ❤️
Thanks Abbie! Part of my guilt/fear around having little energy is also how being sedentary is cast as a death wish right now. In addition to eating a certain way, diet culture is talking about how lazy Americans are and how bad lack of exercise is for your health.
I agree that our nervous systems weren’t meant to deal with this much chaos, news cycle, and stimulation/stress. It’s even harder when you’re neurodivergent and my brain never stops going in circles. I know you have chronic health issues that affect your energy levels, but have you felt lower energy lately too? It helps to know I’m not alone.
Also, side note: I know in your Patreon you had an open chat. Is it possible to create that in Substack? I follow some other Substacks that I think have a chat feature enabled. I think it would be helpful to have that safe space to chat or create threads around topics, if you’re open to that.
I feel all of this, Elizabeth! The news and global events make it all harder. Our work is in staying close to ourselves, staying in our bodies, connecting to those who are doing the same.
With respect to the chat, right now I have that in my group membership -- a space dedicated specifically to healing and a private community that has an ongoing group discussion / chat. We also meet twice each month (once for casual office hours, once for a specific topic that everyone votes on). I can email you the details if you'd like to learn more about it. Happy to have you join us!
I do know about your group membership. I would love to join, but I just can’t add another financial burden right now. Thanks for the suggestion!
I'll send you an email about it this week -- I have an idea!
Great post!
What I'm noticing for myself is anxiety leading to a desire not to shrink as much as fade away. I definitely want to muffle the uncomfortable emotions with eating food, exercising, creating a plan for restriction as a way of procrastinating showing up for life. Taking the risk of being bad at the things I love. I'm definitely feeling the need to prove my worthiness, and that really sucks. I don't understand how I'm ever going to get over that.
Yes, Tracy, the fading away is exactly what I meant. So true, so real. This world will continue to tell us we have to prove our worth, but we were born worthy. All of us. Sometimes I think this work is about unlearning all the things we were told to be so that we can be who we were meant to be. It just takes time, shedding layers, finding new truths. If you ever feel stuck or overwhelmed, just think: What is the next kind thing I can do for myself? What would it mean to respect my body in this moment?
This article hits home bc I had a few really low days where I feel so much dread and fear. I want to curl up in a ball and hide away. I know restriction doesn’t work, but after my recent knee surgery, and gaining weight, it’s so tempting to want to restrict so I can fit into my clothes again. Seeing my reflection as I walk by a window or mirror can be very triggering but I know restricting doesn’t work long term! It feels like I’m stuck in this cycle and might not ever get out.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly — it absolutely makes sense that recovery would feel especially hard right now. The urge to restrict after surgery, weight changes, and hard body image days is strong, not because we're broken, but because the world has taught us that it's the answer. But the fact that you know restriction doesn’t work, and that you’re naming the cycle with such awareness, is powerful. I promise you, that’s evidence that you are not stuck — that’s the work of healing. Sending you so much compassion as you navigate this. You're not alone, and I'm so glad you're here. 💛
Yes all of this!!!! Mine isn’t the feeling of shrinking as much as self hate self talk lacking compassion for myself when those feelings come up. Like lacking forgiveness
I'm absolutely loving these comments (including yours) because the language we all use is different but the underlying feeling is so similar. Thank you so so much for sharing this, Ashley. Self-compassion, over and over and over again, is the way through. You are so worthy of kindness, care, comfort.
OMGosh!! Abbie!! We've been struggling with this exact thing lately.
Ours hasn't been due to "simply depression" or low days, but a trauma. We have been feeling this strong urge to go back to our ED. To have a singular goal to put all our focus into and numerous rules to follow, so that it would block out all of the other emotions and life stressors.
Also, we know that restricting/being malnourished *can* mute our emotions.
We desire that soooooo badly, but the thing is - we don't feel that strongly about changing our body weight, shape or size AND we're just too dang tired to go back to following all those strict rules. It's exhausting.
These urges haven't left us feeling like a failure at healing (we don't really feel like we've healed enough from anything to fail at it), but it has left us feeling incredibly stuck. If we can't "do" the eating disorder, how else do we cope with all of these emotions and stressors?
It's so hard to recognize that our old coping mechanism just doesn't work for us anymore, but to feel lost without one that does.
We love your insight/metaphor about making yourself smaller to make the noise and big emotions smaller. That rings so true for us, even without actually want to physically be smaller.
Thank you for this brilliant piece of writing and for sharing pieces of your story. We deeply appreciate you!
I am SO grateful for you! Thank you so much for sharing this — I feel the weight of what you’re carrying and I honor it. Wanting to go back to an ED for the structure, the numbness, the distraction — not because of body image, but just to cope — makes so much sense, especially in the aftermath of trauma.
And even when you know those rules won’t serve you, they can still call to you when everything feels too big. It’s not failure — it’s your brain reaching for what used to feel like safety. But it’s also a sign of healing to feel too tired to go back. That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom!
It's that in-between place where the old way doesn’t work, and the new one hasn’t fully formed yet — and it's such a hard place to be. Remember that inner conflict is transformation happening at the pace that makes sense for you and your lived experiences. I'm so glad the metaphor resonated and please know you’re not alone in this. Truly. I'm just so thankful to have you in this space ❤️