I’ll start this comment by saying I never would say the things I say to myself or expect myself to do…..to anyone else in this world.
BUT how I treat myself has been the exception my whole life because “my body is that bad” or “ I have it in me and I’m capable of making my self look a certain way…. Be grateful you can move and suck it up big boy”.
I am 31 and married now. I’d like to have kids. I am just beginning my recovery journey. I’ve been told since I was 12 years old that my body didn’t meet certain standards. I built my entire life and work career around changing my body and earning social currency. I literally became a semi pro athlete and professional coach just because I wanted to prove I could look a certain way and be accepted as cool.
Woof. My 20s were a roller coaster of manic training and work and then off seasons of hiding, binging and shame. And then re-upping for a new season.
I spent the past few years taking my foot off the gas. I left that career. My body started to revert to its normal self. And I immediately found other “coping” mechanisms that were disguised as “healing my image” but really it was just more dysfunction and a yearning for validation. And trying to fight my body from gaining weight.
I’m now in it. I’ve started working on this with professional help. And every day after work when it’s free time is the hardest part of the day. When my mind is free to roam. No healthy distraction.
I have no sense of what my natural body should look like or feel like. Or even what I naturally want to do with my free time and energy.
All I feel is that shame and pressure to go back into the system that landed me here in the first place. Letting go of something so learned is incredibly hard. It’s just there always…Trying to convince myself “why I should do a workout, go back on a diet, or rejoin a gym…I’ll do it different this time”.
It’s all trying to conform.
And I’ll leave you with this. And it’s the hardest thought/false equivalency that keeps running through my mind:
I’m on anxiety medication. It has saved my life by allowing me to work on my anxiety directly versus be stuck in constant panic cycle.
I had a GP doctor tell me for that same reason I take anxiety meds….I should take GLP-1s. To not have to worry about workouts and my diet. Plus mitigate any danger of being bigger like pressure on joints or pre diabetes. She diagnosed me as obese. Even after complementing how much I workout or eat well.
Nothing is actually wrong with my body like it is when it comes to my anxiety disorder. I’d say GLP-1s for aesthetic is very different from actually taking meds for a chronic anxiety disorder.
BUTTTT on the other spectrum, I had a trainer tell me don’t take those GLP-1s. Your doctor is going to debilitate you with something not natural. They are so dangerous for you….”You just need to eat clean like you’ve been taught, food is fuel, and workout hard. You move so well in the gym. You’ll be fine.
I don’t want to be grinding in the gym. I’m tired of it.
Both people in different ways and on opposite spectrums are telling me smaller and cut is better than my natural body. And I’m in danger if I don’t do something.
Just want you to know I see you. Sitting in the discomfort instead of running from it. That takes immense strength.
The way the world frames body size—always as a problem to solve, a risk to mitigate—is exhausting and unfair. You deserve care, not fear-mongering. You deserve to exist in your body as it is, without needing to justify it.
Recovery is disorienting, but you’re not lost. You’re in the process of meeting yourself, maybe for the first time. And -- You are not alone in this.🙏
Thank you for pointing out the systemic issues at play, Abbie! It's so easy to personalize far too much when we're working on tender issues. I really appreciate this perspective.
Yes, Lori, so true! We’re living in a culture that not only makes us feel broken but then benefits from us feeling broken. Self-compassion is so crucial ♥️
Thank you for sharing, Abbie! I found earlier on in my healing journey that the relationship between eating disorders and self-doubt/self-questioning was particularly complex and tricky. Now, I've had to work really hard to reclaim a sense of self-assuredness and a belief in my intuition, after years of fighting my body, gaslighting myself, and minimizing my suffering and need for support. I especially appreciate the line "But suffering doesn't need a ranking system" – this is a theme I'm still REALLY struggling with, and it helps to hear it from others!
You said that so beautifully! Self-doubt and self-questioning is so deeply intertwined with distrust of our body, and for many of us, trying to find safety or certainty or control when things feel…untethered. No more minimizing of our suffering and pain 🫶🏼♥️ It is valid, always. You are so worthy of that intuition and authenticity. So grateful to have you here!
I’ll start this comment by saying I never would say the things I say to myself or expect myself to do…..to anyone else in this world.
BUT how I treat myself has been the exception my whole life because “my body is that bad” or “ I have it in me and I’m capable of making my self look a certain way…. Be grateful you can move and suck it up big boy”.
I am 31 and married now. I’d like to have kids. I am just beginning my recovery journey. I’ve been told since I was 12 years old that my body didn’t meet certain standards. I built my entire life and work career around changing my body and earning social currency. I literally became a semi pro athlete and professional coach just because I wanted to prove I could look a certain way and be accepted as cool.
Woof. My 20s were a roller coaster of manic training and work and then off seasons of hiding, binging and shame. And then re-upping for a new season.
I spent the past few years taking my foot off the gas. I left that career. My body started to revert to its normal self. And I immediately found other “coping” mechanisms that were disguised as “healing my image” but really it was just more dysfunction and a yearning for validation. And trying to fight my body from gaining weight.
I’m now in it. I’ve started working on this with professional help. And every day after work when it’s free time is the hardest part of the day. When my mind is free to roam. No healthy distraction.
I have no sense of what my natural body should look like or feel like. Or even what I naturally want to do with my free time and energy.
All I feel is that shame and pressure to go back into the system that landed me here in the first place. Letting go of something so learned is incredibly hard. It’s just there always…Trying to convince myself “why I should do a workout, go back on a diet, or rejoin a gym…I’ll do it different this time”.
It’s all trying to conform.
And I’ll leave you with this. And it’s the hardest thought/false equivalency that keeps running through my mind:
I’m on anxiety medication. It has saved my life by allowing me to work on my anxiety directly versus be stuck in constant panic cycle.
I had a GP doctor tell me for that same reason I take anxiety meds….I should take GLP-1s. To not have to worry about workouts and my diet. Plus mitigate any danger of being bigger like pressure on joints or pre diabetes. She diagnosed me as obese. Even after complementing how much I workout or eat well.
Nothing is actually wrong with my body like it is when it comes to my anxiety disorder. I’d say GLP-1s for aesthetic is very different from actually taking meds for a chronic anxiety disorder.
BUTTTT on the other spectrum, I had a trainer tell me don’t take those GLP-1s. Your doctor is going to debilitate you with something not natural. They are so dangerous for you….”You just need to eat clean like you’ve been taught, food is fuel, and workout hard. You move so well in the gym. You’ll be fine.
I don’t want to be grinding in the gym. I’m tired of it.
Both people in different ways and on opposite spectrums are telling me smaller and cut is better than my natural body. And I’m in danger if I don’t do something.
That’s hard.
Just want you to know I see you. Sitting in the discomfort instead of running from it. That takes immense strength.
The way the world frames body size—always as a problem to solve, a risk to mitigate—is exhausting and unfair. You deserve care, not fear-mongering. You deserve to exist in your body as it is, without needing to justify it.
Recovery is disorienting, but you’re not lost. You’re in the process of meeting yourself, maybe for the first time. And -- You are not alone in this.🙏
Thank you for pointing out the systemic issues at play, Abbie! It's so easy to personalize far too much when we're working on tender issues. I really appreciate this perspective.
Yes, Lori, so true! We’re living in a culture that not only makes us feel broken but then benefits from us feeling broken. Self-compassion is so crucial ♥️
Thank you for sharing, Abbie! I found earlier on in my healing journey that the relationship between eating disorders and self-doubt/self-questioning was particularly complex and tricky. Now, I've had to work really hard to reclaim a sense of self-assuredness and a belief in my intuition, after years of fighting my body, gaslighting myself, and minimizing my suffering and need for support. I especially appreciate the line "But suffering doesn't need a ranking system" – this is a theme I'm still REALLY struggling with, and it helps to hear it from others!
You said that so beautifully! Self-doubt and self-questioning is so deeply intertwined with distrust of our body, and for many of us, trying to find safety or certainty or control when things feel…untethered. No more minimizing of our suffering and pain 🫶🏼♥️ It is valid, always. You are so worthy of that intuition and authenticity. So grateful to have you here!
Thank you for your kind words!!